This was never how I envisioned my first pregnancy going, especially after waiting for it this long.
Instead of get-togethers, celebrations and visits from our family and friends watching our baby grow inside me, I spent about 7 months in complete and utter fear.
Instead, we went into quarantine before we told anyone our news so we didn’t get to see the excitement on their faces in person. Most people were told over the phone or via video chat.
I was terrified anytime I would go out in public (which wasn’t very often: doctors office, picking up groceries in a parking lot, getting gas).
I was terrified anytime I would be around people other than Justin. I didn’t know where anyone had been and who they had been around, and who those people had been around and so on.
I was sad and lonely from basically being trapped in my house day in and day out for the entire pregnancy.
In May, my husband lost his job due to Covid and I then became nervous and anxious about being able to afford a baby, let alone just living in general. We were okay, but with all those extra hormones, it was hard.
I did end up having an in-person baby shower, but it was much more scaled back than the one I had always pictured (it was still wonderful though). I only invited people that I really trusted to be smart about Covid.
Then with the baby coming we had to make decisions on visitors. No one would be able to visit us at the hospital, which I did actually enjoy. It was nice to be able to just focus on healing and learning how to keep a human alive instead of having people coming in and out while I had to change bloody pads and ice packs every hour (that’s what it felt like). It gave us a chance to just bond with our child and take things one step at a time.
But who would we let visit us when we got home? My doctor said we should have absolutely NO VISITORS for the first 6 weeks. None. But there was no way I was going to do that to my in-laws since this was their first grandchild. And what about my parents and sisters, who have kids back in school and are around other kids?
I didn’t want people to think I was crazy or overprotective by having certain restrictions. In the end, we are basically playing each visit by ear. Temperature checks, where have you been questions, etc. I also keep an eye on the different areas where potential visitors live, along with their social media activity. I am finding a middle ground. I’m not going to be massively overprotective, but if I feel any nervousness in my gut, it’s not happening.
I was terrified of what giving birth would be like. At the beginning, J was going to be allowed in the room with me at the hospital but he wouldn’t be allowed to leave until we left to come home (not a great situation for someone who is slightly claustrophobic and who hates hospitals). They did tell us that could change at any point, things could lighten up or they could get worse and he might not be allowed in at all. Luckily, they lightened up and he was able to come home at night to sleep.
I was worried that I would be expected to deliver my baby while wearing a mask. Yes, I have seen the article where moms gave birth while wearing a mask and if they can do it, anyone can wear a mask. I hate that fucking article so much. So much. So. Much. There is no way in hell I would have been able to go through that with half my face covered.
Keep in mind, I am a face mask wearer. I am pro-face mask. But not while shoving a human being out of my body. Once again, I got lucky because I did not have to.
There were some perks to this whole situation though, don’t get me wrong.
Because of the quarantine I was working from home. This means I was able to nap fairly often which I needed because pregnancy was hell for me. I also did not have to go and buy a lot of maternity clothes since I pretty much wore the exact same thing for 9 months straight. That also helped out when the job thing happened since we couldn’t really afford for me to buy a whole new wardrobe. Hello sweatpants and a baggy t-shirt!!
I did not have to put up with strangers trying to touch my belly all the time.
I was able to oil train my hair for when the baby got here and I wouldn’t be showering everyday. (That has really came in handy!)
I wasn’t judged by people in grocery stores or coffee shops since I never went to them.
Now that maternity leave is over and I’m back at work, the little guy is in daycare. I’ve relaxed a little bit more because…well, you have to. He got his vaccines and I just feel like his little body is just a bit more sturdy. Plus, life goes on. We are still cautious, but I’m not as afraid as I was when he was fresh outta my body.
In the end, this was never how I would have pictured my first pregnancy going. However, I feel like it’s made me stronger and a more flexible person. It’s also made me incredibly grateful whenever we spend time with family and friends now.
It’s made me be able to appreciate all the small things in life more than I ever have before, and that’s a beautiful thing.
All the love, Mama