Last night was rough. S (our 4 week old son) fought sleep for about 4/5 hours and didn’t go down until after midnight.
I wanted to scream at him.
I wanted to drop him on our bed and walk away.
I wanted to curl up into a ball with headphones and just let him cry/scream until he passed out from exhaustion, but J had already reached his limit so it was my turn.
Instead of doing any of those things, I went to a quiet corner in my brain and just let my body take over until silence happened.
Eventually he did go to sleep, by some miracle. And then he woke up at 8:45 this morning, which means that J got up with him at some point in the night to feed, but I was so out of it that I’m not sure.
I was so angry last night. So frustrated. All I wanted to do was sleep.
This morning, as I look at his beautiful little face and his tiny precious hands, I no longer hate him. It’s back to love. A very exhausted love, but love all the same.
I know he is just a tiny little creature who is most likely just frightened sometimes by this big big world he was forced into.
Last night I was not okay. And that’s okay. I refuse to pretend that I’m perfect and everything is always amazing. Because it’s not. But even when things suck so freaking hard, you have to remember that you’re not alone.
But today is a new day. And today I will be okay (at least for a little while).
Love, a very tired mama