What If? Living With Anxiety.

I recently started taking anxiety medication.

It is amazing how increbdily different I feel. I took some time to write down some thoughts over the first week.

…..

Anxiety is a worm. A worm that slowly, painlessly crawls its way into your body, brain and then eventually your entire body.

You don’t notice until it’s to late and by then, you’ve lived with it for so long it’s just a part of you.

It causes you to second guess everything. Everything. From grocery shopping, driving, getting dressed, showering, what time to leave, what you would do if you got there early, and everything in between.

What should you text that friend? Will they get the joke? Will they think it’s rude? Funny? That I’m stupid?

Can I speak up at work? Will that sound bossy? Bitchy? Will they think it’s stupid?

Should I put away the laundry tonight? If I do, I won’t get to sleep early, but if I don’t I will have to do it tomorrow which means what I had planned for tomorrow will get pushed back another day and then I won’t have time to grocery shop which will push back my meal prepping and I still need to shower and I really want to read more of my book and I just don’t know what to do.

I constantly felt like I was drowning, but felt that was normal and that everyone felt like that.

Like, everyone was worried about taking a shower. Worried about how badly I might itch. How hot or cold to make the water. How much shampoo and conditioner to use. What if a spider crawled out of the drain? What if I slipped and fell? Would Justin hear me screaming?

What if I watch movie X tonight, but end up regretting it and wished I would have watched movie Z instead? Maybe I should just watch movie Y? But then what if I hate movie Y?

There was always a ‘what if’ or a ‘but’ scenario in my head.

ALWAYS.

Should I sit in this chair or that chair?

Eventually that tiny worm starts eating away at every calm moment you could ever have.

It eats and eats and eats until everything important and healthy lives inside it.

So your thoughts and emotions are always moving, always churning around.

Justin calls me a cat, because I couldn’t sit still for 5 minutes. If I’m watching tv, i’m eating, reading a book, on Facebook, painting my nails, something. Sometimes several of those at once.

Always chewing on my fingers.

Usually bleeding from somewhere from pick a scab or scar or hangnail.

What if I try to buy groceries but my debit card doesn’t work, even though I know we have money in our account.

What if I trip while walking?

The one comfort in my life…my husband.

He has been my one constant. My safe harbor in the tsunami of my mind. His simple touch (without tickling) is a balm to my jittery body.

I never worry about saying something stupid, or doing something stupid around him. That is probably why I rarely shut up around him, because I can say anything.

I know he will never judge me. Laugh at me, yes. But never judge.

I went to the doctor a couple days ago and was put on an anxiety medication for the first time.

I’ve only taken one full dose of medication but I already feel much calmer.

This morning was amazing. I’ve been a little more jittery at night, but not as wishy-washy.

I very much look forward to the upcoming weeks.

As I sit at our new dining room table tonight writing about what my life has been like for the last several years, possibly decades. I am starting to feel a sense of calm. Peace.

I can stare at our centerpiece and just look at it. All I think about are the green stems, the white…ball things on the ends. The pretty white pitcher they sit in.

I sit here and cry at the first feeling of true peace that I can remember.

I can repeat a song on Spotify without the fear of missing an even better song that could be next. That next song will always be there.

A friend was sick and without hesitation I offered to drive her to Topeka for her Dr. appointment. While driving I never once had a twinge of anxiety.

Even just two weeks ago I would have felt sick myself at just the thought of driving in Topeka, let alone actually doing it.

I feel such a sense of freedom.

I feel absolutely free.

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3 Comments on “What If? Living With Anxiety.

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